I was looking for myself.
Hoping to see a glimpse of something that looked like me in the eyes of a stranger, I'd scan them for certain details. Those in my path with brown hair and brown eyes caused me to look deeper and longer. Many folks fitting these criteria have endured my relentless, probing questions.
I was searching for answers. The checklist running endlessly in my mind reflected words on a single sheet of faded paper. These words were composed long ago on an old fashioned typewriter. With every stroke of the typewriter's keys, the hammer pounded out the biological details of my life. This paper was given to my adopted parents as a brief summary of my beginnings. This child they had first seen in a hotel room 90 miles away from their home that became their daughter carried only this page as her introduction. There was no other information about this baby except these words. This paper held small glimpses of the ones who brought me into the world. Hair color, eye color, height, weight, and family tree were a few of the notes written about my birth parents. It was an important part of who I was, and I carried that sheet with me all my life. It was the only truth I knew about the beginning. I loved the family God gave me, but my heart desperately needed to know my birth family, too.
I've always known I was adopted. My parents told me the truth about the origins of my life from the very beginning. My baby book is one designed for an adopted child, and for that I am thankful. I'm grateful because I am a seeker of Truth. I like to know the truth in all situations. Jesus said "the truth will set you free". John 8:32b. My searching the eyes of strangers was my attempt to find truth about my life so that my heart could have freedom. God was so gracious to me as I scratched and clawed my way through roadblock after roadblock looking for answers. God knew that I needed to know. He knew too that these answers would never set my heart free. Only in Jesus is there Truth and Freedom. Yet, being the loving Father He is, God allowed me to go back down this road from where I began. Little did I know that my search and rescue mission would be used by God in such a powerful way. I thought I was in charge of the searching, and my birth family needed to be rescued.
Ah, yes... As usual, I was wrong.
I imagine Jesus in heaven watching me with a big ole smile knowing that this journey ahead of me was indeed a search and rescue mission. But... The person who'd be searched and stretched and broken and mended at every point was me. I was the one needing to be rescued. Me.
As I type these words I feel overwhelmed. The time has come to begin to tell my story and the weight of it all feels impossible. But I know that now is that time. The Holy Spirit whispered into my heart a few months ago two words... "It's Time." Only two words, but oh the power in these two simple words.
This story of my life has been kept hidden in my heart for many years. That sounds so secretive, but it isn't any secret. I tell anyone who wants to hear it. Many have heard my adoption reunion story, but words in the atmosphere tend to evaporate quickly and are easily forgotten. Several have even said, "You should write a book", and I agreed, but the daunting task of writing it all down seemed impossible. Where would I start? Ten years ago the book that I would have written would've been all about me. Time has taught me how little this story has to do with me. It has everything to do with Jesus. He was just kind enough to allow me to have a small part. Now the time has come to put it down and speak it out and set it all free.
Why now and why at all?
Honestly, I am not really sure. The only thing I am sure of is that He calls me to obey and so I type.
Obedience means many times I do things afraid, and the idea of writing down these words scares me. Every word coming out on this screen means my obedience has begun, and I know that I must hit the publish button and release my story even though I am shaking with fear. Yet, I continue to type because I know obedience to Christ is far more important than my insecurities, and He did not give me a spirit of fear. (2 Tim 5:7)
The name given to my search & rescue story, Eyes of a Stranger, came from a conversation with my birth father. We spent hundreds of hours talking on the phone as we struggled to get to know each other. We were tied together by blood and genetics, but we were total strangers. Where do you even start as you struggle to know someone that in some ways already knows you and yet doesn't know who you are at all? I said to him during one of those awkward, exhilarating talks that I'd spent my whole life looking in the eyes of strangers trying to find myself. It was one of those lines that you hear yourself say and it's as if time slows. The deeper meaning of the words said so innocently caused me to pause. The words caused a lull in our banter as he paused to soak them in, too. The sound of him crying on the other end of the phone hit me hard. "I'm sorry", he said to me with a choked up voice. My eyes filled with tears too, not because of my hurt but his. I did my best to reassure him that I am okay. I have had a great life. But there, in that moment, the stranger I am desperate to know, the one who has eyes I recognize, is searching for his own answers. Weeks later, he takes this line and writes a song, "Eyes of a Stranger".
When my search began, I was focused on my own selfish need for answers about my birth. My heart had empty places that I was convinced would be filled once I knew the truth. At least that is what I thought. Little did I know that God would use every chapter of this story to search the depths of my soul and gently lead me to discover real Truth. My Jesus rescued me with The Truth of His Word.
On this blog, inspired by my brave friend, Sandra, I will attempt to share my story. (You should definitely check out her blog, All Things New..., http://sandrawilcher.blogspot.com.). It will be a beautiful mess, but that is a great way to describe my life. Jesus took the ashes of my life, my mess, my dreams, all of it, and made them into a beautiful story that brings Him Glory. Isaiah 61:3 tells me that Jesus brings "...a crown of beauty instead of ashes."
There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus ordered every step of this search and rescue mission. Things happened along the way that I thought would destroy me. He used them to build my faith. At every turn in this broken road, He directed each one of my steps. Every moment of this journey was planned before the foundation of the world. And God alone gets the credit for it all. Prov 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."
My life was no mistake. Your life is no mistake. God has a plan and a purpose for you. Jer 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born you were set apart."
No mistakes, thank You Jesus! He counted every hair on my full head of black hair when he changed the course of my life and sent me to a new place. Matt 10:30 "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered." I wasn't accidently formed, nor accidentally adopted. It was God's Perfect Will for my life.
He had a plan for me. He has a plan for you, too. What are you looking for? Are you like me searching the eyes of strangers? Are you looking for something to fill you and to satisfy the needs of your soul? Friend, you will only find Truth in Jesus. Take it from a girl saved since the age of 8 years old who had to journey back to her past to really meet her Saviour face to face. We can be saved. We can be His, and yet not know Him intimately. He wants us to have a real relationship with Him. Many times real relationships only develop through painful journeys, and my story holds plenty.
The words of my song, "Eyes of a Stranger", were written by my birth father. Inspired and changed by that one powerful line from our conversation, he took my words and poured out his heart through lyrics of a song. It was my birthday gift and he sang it to me in a private concert between two hearts. Sitting on a red barstool in his kitchen a few days before my 33rd birthday, he strummed his guitar and with a deep, raspy voice he sang the words to this song. Reading them now I am truly overcome by message within these words. His intention on that day was to say how much he loved me in the way his heart clearly spoke...through music. When the chords began to echo off the kitchen walls, the floodgates of my heart broke loose and I began to cry. Boy, did I cry. Buckets of tears fell on the floor beneath my bowed head. I was undone with every note and every word of the song. The puddles of tears on that old linoleum floor reflected the emotional tsunami streaming from my eyes. I will never forget that moment. As I read those lyrics again today, that memory is still just as real, but now I see there is so much more in the words of my song. Ten years later, I can clearly see the love of Jesus Christ woven through every line. I want to share the song with you, and I know my birthfather would approve. He loved an audience. :)
Eyes of A Stranger
There was a little girl brought up in a world,
Of people who’d rearrange her.
But all of her life, she’d search for the light,
In the eyes of a stranger.
She did what she could to be what she should,
For all of those around her.
Still through her life,
She searched for the light,
The light that never found her.
She’d say. “look at me”.
Tell me what do you see.
Tell me could it be you
Then she’d walk away with nothing to say
Looking for her own truth.
She was a daughter, and she was a sister
And one day she was a wife.
And though she was older, over her shoulder
She still looked for that light.
She wore a name without any blame
A name that gave a good start.
But somehow she knew it just wasn’t true
It did not fill up her heart.
She packed up her fears and swallowed her tears
And said there must be an end.
She got some old papers back from the state
That showed her where to begin.
One Saturday morning she got a call
Says we have a stranger on the line,
And then she wondered, could it be true
After all this time.
They fumbled through words to overcome
Years of mystery
And it was plain the little girl and the stranger
They were meant to be.
Now she has years of laughter and tears
With a heart no longer in danger
Because now she knows if she needs love to show
She can see it in the eyes of a stranger.
As you read the lyrics, I hope you could hear the message beyond my story. My story isn't
the important part. We all have a story. The important part is God's Hand wrote each chapter of my life as He waited patiently for me to see Freedom in His Eyes. Because of this journey, Jesus is no longer a stranger. My Freedom did not come from my past. It came through Him alone. It was His Light that led me through dark times. It was the Truth of His Word that sustained me. My relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most valuable relationship I have. I am so humbled and grateful He allowed me to know my birth family. They are a beautiful part of my life, and I love them all. I am so thankful God gave me to the forever family that I've known all my life. They are the family that adopted me and made me their own, loved me, gave me a good name, and they are the ones who introduced me to Jesus. I have loved them all my life. I was a stranger and they took me in.
What about you?
Do you know Jesus?
If Jesus is a stranger to you, let me introduce Him. He is the Light of the world, He is the only Truth, His Name is the Name above all Names, and He is the Father to the fatherles. He will not only rescue you, but on the cross He ransomed your very soul. Give him your heart. He will take your story, ashes and all, and give you beauty because just like me, He has big plans for your life.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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