These two words spun over and over in my mind as I stood at his graveside. Is he really gone? The scene around me proved it was true, but losing a loved one takes a while to believe. Yes, he was really gone. My father-in-law was with Jesus and pain-free, and for that we were all thankful. Even so, the reality of these two words kept echoing and striking my heart without relief. They still do.
That was the exact moment my adoption reunion journey began. Right there next to a beautiful country church surrounded by my husband's family, I knew it was time to begin. As my heart was breaking over losing our Papa and the end of his time here on earth, I imagined if that day had been my day. What did I have left to do? If I knew that my time was short, what would I do? Aside from all the many obvious things one would think of, a hidden dream rose up from down deep in my heart. It was the dream I'd carried with me since my beginning. I would find my birth family.
It's a funny thing the labels you wear in your life. I've had my share. One in particular has always made me laugh. In high school, I was voted "Most Likely To Succeed". Now I do appreciate the kind sentiment of my fellow classmates, but I wonder if they really meant to say, "Most Stubborn & Determined". That is a label that paints a clear picture of who I am and how I approach my goals.
This goal, this dream, may have been silently hibernating way back in the corner of my heart, keeping still, but it was still very much alive. My determination to make it a reality was sealed. In fact, I told my mama about this dream one day when I was in elementary school. I was upset with her about something or other and took this fine opportunity to let her know that one day I was going to find my family. Oh, how that memory stings. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I am sure I did. She was so full of grace and mercy as the intensity of my words registered. She grew very quiet and said with kind words, "When that day comes, I will help you."
As a mother myself, those times of great turmoil in my children call me to draw upon The Lord for words of wisdom and breath. God had His Hand on mama that day because little miss stubborn, who has never lacked for words, was saying something mighty important. Even though it was painful and awkward, somehow she knew it was a pivotal moment. Mama's repsonse soothed me and allowed the dream in my heart to live and grow until the time was right to begin.
Several years ago, I heard on a Christian radio station about a New Year's Day challenge. Being the beginning of a new year, the announcer was challenging the listeners to choose a word to focus on during the next year. This word, he said, would be a matter to pray about. He said that he himself had done this the year before and God had used it in a tremendous way. I was intrigued. Turns out it is a lot harder to do than it sounds. Finally after much prayer, I found a word and have been doing it every year since. Last year, my word was BEGIN. As I struggled to begin writing my story, I could think of no better place to start than where this journey began. Standing at Papa's grave where one journey had ended, another would begin.
Life is inside a seed. Hidden deep down in the dark moist soil looking as if nothing is happening, a seed looks purposeless until changes occurs. Then this tiny, unmoving object that from the outside looks incapable of being anything or doing anything moves. Don't mistake stillness and silence for emptiness. God has a process and an order for everything. What looks like an empty shell holds life. When this dream was planted in my heart, I didn't see any life to the seed for months. I didn't know then where to BEGIN, but the seed needed time to sit there for a bit. It needed to settle in and wait on inner growth to happen.
God taught me many lessons on patience during this journey. I was not in the habit of being a good "wait-er". I was a "hurry up lets get this thing done now-er". God, however, never rushes. He doesn't need to since He's God. That time of waiting, when my journey had begun but I had not actually done anything, was a growth opportunity. He was teaching me patience.
When my kids were little, my afternoons were spent in a lawn chair parked in my driveway. My friends across the street would join me, and we'd sit and chat and watch our little kiddies draw with chalk, ride their tricycles, splash in tiny plastic pools, and bounce balls. Those were some really good days. This one particular day, I was sitting outside with the kids by myself. My neighbors were not home so I was on driveway patrol alone. Out of the clear blue sky, the answer of where I would begin hit me. All this time, nothing and suddenly an answer? God is just so cool like that. I would start back at the only beginning place I knew of: Department of Family and Children's Services. I went inside and grabbed the phone book. I am chuckling as I type the words "phone book" since hardly anyone uses those dinosaurs anymore. Anyway, the phone book was the resource and in no time I had the phone number. Great. I picked up to call, but put the receiver back down because I was at a loss. What would I say? I have no information, but what I remember from that faded sheet of biological data. I don't know where I was born, I have no names, and no leads. I may as well been looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.
It is so like God to give you a dream and then give you space to really see that without Him, this thing, this dream, this vision, this plan does not have a chance. Actually I felt quite silly that day as I placed the call. I was convinced that the person on the other end of the line would either laugh uncontrollably at the impossibility of my request, or I'd get scolded and told never to call again. I was sure that this was not going to amount to anything. But, I called anyway. I moved out of my comfort zone anyway. That day, in that moment with all odds against me I had to begin anyway.
If ever there were a reason to be kind to others, that moment proves how important kindness is. The lady I spoke to had most likely taken hundreds of phone calls. If memory serves, it was a Friday afternoon when most working folks are ready to call it a day. And yet, she was so very kind to me as I told her why I'd called.
I wish I had a recording of that conversation so I could listen to myself try to form words that made sense. I remember every part of that call except what I said. So, I can only suppose it went something like this. "Ummm...yes ma'am...ummmm I am calling because... ummm...I was adopted as a baby. And I don't know if you can help me or if there is really anybody that can help me, but I need to find my birth family. I realize my records are sealed and that this is probably impossible, but I need to try anyway. I had this one old piece of paper with biological data on it that I carried forever and now for some reason I can't find it. And...ummm I need to get another copy of that please and anything else you can give me. Can you help me?"
"Okay, sure", she said.
Ummm...wait, did she say "sure"???
She continued.
Did I know the laws regarding adoptions in Georgia had changed? Umm, no.
Did I hear about the Adoption Reunion Registry? Again, no.
Was I aware that for a few dollars I could request all that information on my lost old paper plus any other "non-identifying information" contained within my record? Definitely not.
After filling me in on the details that apparently happened within the government regarding adoptees, which nobody bothered to let ME know about, my one step had opened a new door. Moving through this door opened newer possibilities which I could have never imagined. When I began to move, nothing visible from my perspective had changed except my location. New information took me to a new location in my search.
Looking back now, had God revealed everything from the beginning, I would have been frozen by fear instead of moving by faith. My Creator knows me and what is best for me. While I felt at times like a solitary seed crushed by the deep dark earth above me, change was happening. The waiting had a purpose. One movement designed by God to push that seed to sprout opened a new path in that still ground. Never mistake stillness for death. "Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalm 46:10 God does mighty works inside of us when we are still.
I wonder if God has given you a dream or a goal or a command. Is it something big that your mind reels at the thought? Could it be something simple like saying you are sorry to someone who may not "deserve" an apology? Are you struggling with taking a first step and saying that today you will begin to obey Him? If you belong to Jesus, there is always something for us to begin. Begin each day reading His Word. Begin to forgive. Begin to love like He does. Begin to listen. Begin to be still. Begin to see strangers as God's children. Begin to give. Begin to move, and grow, and be who He has called you to be. Begin today to do what He has told you to do. Begin with Him and all the details will be taken care of by The Maker of the Details.
The verses He gave me for 2013 changed my life. Through these scriptures, The Lord continues teaching me how to begin every day, every relationship, every problem, or circumstance. "Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your Faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." Lamentations 3: 21-26
God has a fresh, full portion of His Grace and Mercy waiting on me every morning when I begin my day in Him. He has it for you, too. We just have to begin with Jesus.
As my search began to have some real action, I see now that this visible, external movement was not the beginning. In those months of waiting where I was not the best of example of v. 26 "wait quietly", God was already moving on my behalf. I know now that important things needed to happen in the lives of those waiting for me on the other side of rescue. My arrival had a Divine delay. While I paced and prayed and wondered and supposed when would this happen, He was working. He taught me the meaning of Isaiah 30:15b., "In quietness and trust is your strength." I wish I could be all "spiritual" and tell you that I was a model of quietness. Ummm, no. I was the opposite. He taught me anyway. Thank you Jesus for your Great Love. No matter where you are in your walk with Jesus, He is still moving on your behalf.
Today, won't you take a few moments just to sit quietly with Him?
Be the seed.
Don't view the darkness hiding the answers you seek as a cloak blocking your sight, but a beautiful backdrop for God's Light to shine in your life. Don't count the heavy earth weighing you down as a pit you have to dig your way out of, but as fertile soil feeding you and poising you for a hidden miracle. And when the call comes to begin, move. Don't fight against the stretching of growth and change as a burden, but allow God to take you where He has planned. I promise you, He has worked out all the details.
