I Can See

The first year  with my birth family felt like I was feeling around a dark  room that seemed somewhat familiar.  The challenge of adoption reunions is you know so much about your birth family based on self-knowledge, but you know nothing about them based on life experiences.  

I spent hundreds of hours on the phone with my birthfather working my way through these relationship hurdles.  Yes, hundreds.  Each time we talked, it was a minimum time limit of one hour.  Usually it was more.  He liked to talk.  I loved hearing his voice.  Nothing thrilled me more than hearing him answer the phone with “Hey there, Babygirl!”  

We were working our way through the awkwardness all new relationships bring and establishing a friendship.  

As I have shared before, he was legally blind.  His eyesight had been diminished by a rare disorder, and seeing me was literally one of his last views.  So, when he called around midnight one weekend shouting into the phone, “I can see, I can see!!!”, I was stunned.  The hubs took the call and quickly brought the phone to me.  Something had happened and amazingly, my birthfather regained some vision.  He was practically shouting into the phone.  His voice was several octaves above his normal pitch and his raspy, slow rhythmic drawl was replaced with a rapid staccato.  He was running through his house describing every detail that his once faded sight was now beholding.  “I can see every little cut and edge in the glass of the light fixture!”, he yelled into the phone.  He was breathing heavy and shouting descriptions of every object in his path. I gripped the phone listening as my eyebrows crinkled and my eyes darted from side to side.  I honestly didn’t know what to make of the call.  A mixture of happiness combined with concern filled my heart.  Was this real?  Was he okay or maybe totally losing it?  I wasn’t sure.  

We stayed on the line for a while.  I sat in my dark, quiet house listening as he ran through his house turning on all the lights and laughing and looking.  He was beside himself.  I was of course thrilled, but confused.  I asked him to go see a doctor, and he promised that he would.  We ended the call, and I had a hard time going back to sleep.    

When I talked to him the next day and his vision was still the same, I began to breathe a bit.  He had calmed down some, but the utter joy over his returned sight was radiating from him.  

I praised and thanked God with him for this miracle.  

The next week his life was different.  

He did several things that years of blindness had prevented him from doing.  

One important thing he did was take a cab to visit his mama at the nursing home.  Without sight, he had been without transportation for many years. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about him going on this visit.  

Oh, how he loved his mama.  

With some of his vision returned, no longer held back by darkness, his first trip was to see her.  They never shared the details of this visit with me.  I can only imagine.  Some moments are better left to one’s own imagination.  I do know that during his visit his gave her his gold necklace with a gold cross pendant.  She put it around her neck that day and that is where it stayed.  

My friend and fellow private investigator, Laura, came through town the next weekend and stopped in for a visit with my birth father.  She was the first one to make contact with him during our search and rescue mission.  They talked on the phone quite regularly.  He named us the “Mutt & Jeff Detective Agency.”  When he told her about his new vision, she promised to come by and see him.  

During her visit, they took a long drive. He wanted to go out into the world he’d missed.  

As they drove along back country roads with the windows down, he took off his favorite cowboy boots and threw them in the back seat of her car.  He told Laura to give them to her son. I don't know what prompted him to give away his favorite boots, but my guess is he had plans for a new pair.  

New vision leads to new journeys, and new journeys need new boots.  

He propped his bare feet up on the dashboard of her car as they rode around.  There’s a phrase I think of when I imagine their road trip together.  

They were on a “joy ride”.  

He was overflowing with joy as he rode and looked out the window drinking in sights that most of us take for granted.  God blessed him with big time joy that day.  

As he adjusted to his new level of sight, he spent most of his days outside on his back deck basking in the sunlight.  He wrote me letters from there.  One said this…

Hey, Babygirl,
    
I am sitting my old “behind” on the deck with my toes in the sunshine, smiling and thinking of YOU!

So, when you get this—-SMILE Babygirl!

Love always,
Your Old Man

All was bright and brilliant in his life  as a lonely, blind man who had been trapped in darkness turned his face into the light of day.  

His world had changed.  

And then, within a few days of the one year anniversary of finding my birth father, I lost him again.  

Without warning, he died. 

      

  

Cowboy Hats & Tomato Sandwiches

I am a list maker.

List making, whether in a linear form or splashed across the page like confetti thrown into the air, keeps order in my mind.  When I write out my thoughts and ideas, my things to remember, or all the stuff I have to do, a sense of order comes.  So, when I prepared to go and meet my birthfather, it only seemed natural that he would make a list too.  His list was the food list.  He wanted to have food on hand for us to enjoy a lunch together.

During one of our conversations, he'd asked me to list all my favorite foods.  We knew nothing about each other's likes and dislikes so we started off our getting acquainted with the basics.  What are your favorite foods?  What are foods you totally dislike?  Etc.

I came across one of our lists this week as I dug through a box of papers.  Throughout my journey, I kept almost every single paper that had anything to do with my search.  It got to be quite a bit of paper so I put it all inside a huge plastic tub.  Up until I started writing, I would only occasionally go into the box and sift around.

The weight of some of the papers was too heavy to process so I just contained it all until I could process it.

I carried that box into the dining room a few weeks ago and tried to sort through, but everything was all jumbled up.  There was no order to any of it.  The prospect of organizing it seemed overwhelming.  I'd taken a day off work last week to just rest in the quiet, and during this day I tackled the box.

After a few minutes of looking and assessing this overflowing box, I soon realized that the only way to make heads or tails of all this was to lay it all out on the dining table.  Time had come to unpack the box.  Being the sentimental one that I am, I had to look at everything before laying it down and spreading it all out on the table.  Pretty soon it was looking like a gigantic mess.  Many times during the unpacking, I would get bogged down by a letter or a note and the process slowed.  I had to walk away from this mess a few times just to breathe...

My husband was working in the office, and I went to tell him what I was doing.  I felt he needed a warning.  I said, "If you hear crying, don't worry about it.  You may hear laughter too.  It's cool. I am really fine."  Laughter and tears poured out as I unpacked the box of evidence.  It was all proof of the journey I had taken years ago, and it seizes me still.

I found the food list while I sorted, and laughed right out loud when I saw the menu he had planned for me.

Tomato sandwiches.

I don't know about you, but tomato sandwiches are ridiculous.  My very best friend during my growing up days, introduced me to these culinary delights.  She served me my very first tomato sandwich during one of my many visits to her house.  She lived just up the hill from me.  We'd met around age 5 when she'd come to spend some time at her grandparent's house.  Their house was behind my parent's house, too.  Boy, those were some good times.  I would wait and watch for her to show up at the fence line on the hill every summer or school holiday, and I would go running up there to meet her.  We got into all kinds of trouble together over the years.  Being a foodie, the memory of that first tomato sandwich is burned into my brain.  She'd toasted that white bread and slathered it with mayo.  The thick slices of tomato were sprinkled with salt and pepper.  Yum...  I had never had anything like it.  I feel sure I told my birthfather all about that first sandwich.  Turns out he loved them, too.  So, we added that to our list of foods we would eat in our first meal together.  Sounded pretty good to me.

I was very cavalier about going over to meet him for the first time.  My heart was still so shattered over losing contact with my birthmother, that my emotions were just worn out.  I didn't have any expectations of him either.  Since I had never really wanted to have him in my life, I guess it freed me to just do it.

The hubs had been working over in this city for quite some time, but on the day my birthfather and I arranged to meet, he wasn't going to be there.  I went to meet him by myself. I should have been more scared than I was...

It had been two months of phone calls before I went over to meet him. There had been many lists made between us.  I had an instant connection to him, and our conversations lasted hours at a time.  No telling how many hours we spent asking questions and telling our stories.

During one call he mentioned that his caregiver was concerned about all this.  She wanted him to be sure he was talking to someone who was legit.  He said she  didn't want him giving out medical information to a family that may or may not be his biological family.

Okay...

Looking back now, her motives may or may not have been pure.  Other incidents prove the latter, however God can and will sort all that out.  At the time, I was willing to entertain her "concerns".

She had suggested that we take a DNA test.  Yep, she wanted proof.  Whatever her reasons, she had somehow convinced him to mention this to me and he was all kinds of scared to tell me.  I didn't hesitate.  I told him I would be happy to take a DNA test because that would silence anybody who had "concerns".  Plus, if for some incredibly unforeseen twist, he wasn't my birthfather, better to know that right up front.  Now, I didn't doubt that he was the one.  He didn't doubt that he was the one.  We'd both seen pictures of the other.  There was no doubt.  The medical histories proved it was true.  Countless other factors proved it was true.  My birthmother KNEW it was true.

You can know what is true, and there will always be those who cast doubt.

Always.

This character who inserted herself into the story tried to cast doubt.  No matter.

When God gives you a dream and sends you on a path, don't listen to the doubters.

It was quite comical to me on many levels that I would be taking a DNA test.  I love to watch crime solving shows.  I hate the crime part and usually cover my eyes and plug up my good ear, but the investigation intrigues me.  It is so fun trying to figure out all the clues and guess who the culprit will be based on the evidence.  A DNA test was right up my alley.

I'd told my birthfather I would participate, but if he wanted the test, he would be picking up the tab.  He paid the bill happily.  Everything was arranged by him in advance.  I was given an appointment and off I went with my baby boy in tow.  He was not quite a year old yet so when the nurses at the hospital saw me at the window, they assumed it was my son that needed the test.

Ummm, no.  I know who his daddy is thank you.  I am the one needing the test.

Insert goofy, awkward smile.

My arm was fitted with a hospital bracelet.  It was ironic to me that there I stood as an adult wearing a hospital bracelet so my paternity could be discovered.  Funny... The kind  nurse lady laughed with me and swabbed my mouth.  My DNA was captured and more time waiting began.   Two weeks later, on the Friday before Father's Day, the results were in.

Congratulations...it's a girl.

No doubt about it, not that there ever was on our part, he was my birthfather.  It was a special day for both of us when the news arrived.  I may write about that day in the future.  Maybe...

Just like God put a love for tomato sandwiches into our DNA, He also gave us both the urgency to meet.  Now, with all doubters silenced, there was no reason to wait any longer and one week later I got into my car and drove northwest.

As I said earlier, I should have been more scared.  Most of the drive over, I had the expected jitters, but it wasn't until I stopped inside the city limits to grab a drink, that the enormity of what I was about to do hit me full force.  I called the hubs from the parking lot of the fast food joint to let him know I was there safely and to go over the directions once more.

I can follow directions easily, but never count on me for a sense of direction. If you do, we will wind up in Mexico probably.

With a final pep talk, I got back into my car to complete the last leg of my trip.  As I got closer to his house, my heartbeat was screaming in my ears.

This was really about to happen.

All my cavalier, nonchalant, this is no big deal, I can handle this attitude flew right out the window as I drove down the street to his house.  There it was behind a huge church in a normal, suburban neighborhood.  There was no where to park in front so I drove around back and wheeled into a spot.  I can feel in my guts the nausea that I felt when I tried to put the car in park.  I finally remembered how to drive and got the car into the correct gear and grabbed my purse.

Before getting out, I took a huge breath and looked toward the house.  The image behind the glass door outlined the silhouette of a man's face.  He was sitting by the door waiting.  It may have been fiery nerve endings that illuminated his profile, but what I saw was a black background with a glowing image.  It was like a spotlight was set on his profile so brightly that I couldn't make out any features.

I almost puked.  No lie.  I will never forget it.  Never...

I had a tough time walking to the door.  Legs of jello moved, but I know The Lord carried me from the car to the door.  Seeing a glimpse of him was too much.  He was not only waiting for me, but he was listening for me, too.  Without much sight left, he had to rely on his hearing.  He'd heard my arrival and listened to my footsteps approach.  When I stepped onto the back deck, he opened the door.

When I stepped into the little brick house and stood face to face with my birthfather, time stopped.

I am pretty sure I stopped breathing for a bit, too.

He tried to hug me, but I stopped him.

Every nerve ending in my body was surging with adrenaline and I know I would've passed out if he had touched me.  Here in front of me, stood my real, live birthfather, and I couldn't take it.  I am prone to be dramatic at times, but when I try to describe this first look, I can't find words big enough.  When I tell you that all I did was stand in his kitchen, only a few steps inside that back door for over an hour just looking at him, that is exactly how it went down.  Yes, I cried.  If you have read any of my story you know that tears are a common thread here.  I did cry some.  Mainly, though, I just looked and breathed.

It was all I could do.

My frozen feet wouldn't budge.  I had dropped my bags on the floor and simply faced him.  He stood facing me, looking hard to see me.  He was crying, too. There we stood as the minutes crawled by.

What I find amazing is that he just let me stand there.

He didn't try to change our location or convince me to move, he just let me stay right where I was until I was ready.  He knew I needed to look into the eyes of stranger until I had memorized those eyes.  He was such a gentleman to me in every way and I am so thankful.  My heart wasn't able to process this quickly so I had to just absorb it all.

When the emotions began to die down a bit, to a point where I could breathe without feeling like I needed a paper bag, we went into the den to sit.

He had so much he wanted to show me and tell me about.  I was like a sponge soaking it all in.  As we talked, we suddenly realized that we were both dressed alike.  We were both wearing black shirts with blue jeans, and black shoes.  Twins... He told me that his outfit wasn't complete until he put on his hat.  So, he went to the back bedroom to get his favorite hat to show me.  When he came out wearing his favorite cowboy hat, he was holding another one in his hand.

 "This one, baby girl", he says, "is for you."

It was his "dress" hat.  A beautiful, black cowboy hat was one of the first gifts he ever gave me.  As I took the hat from him, I automatically put it on my head and said..."Let's go see how we look."  Into the guest bathroom we went, and stood in front of the mirror just looking at ourselves.  It was weird and silly and wonderful.  It didn't take long for the laughter to ring out of both of us because THIS WAS CRAZY!!!  Oh, did we laugh at ourselves.

It was just the medicine we both needed.  The magnitude of the meeting eased and we moved from shock to joy.

I was getting to see my blood face to face.

And he was no longer alone.

The doubter came by to check on him further into our visit and for the record she was very nice to me.  He'd wanted her to come by so somebody could take our picture together.  We posed in his easy chair with me sitting on the arm.  Seemed only right to wear our matching black hats for our first official photo.

I treasure that picture.

When I look at it, like I did before writing this, I can clearly see the  happiness radiating off my face and his.

It was a day of joy.

When God knitted me together in my mother's womb, my future may have seemed on the surface uncertain.  Two words resound all throughout scripture that prove otherwise.

"But God..."

Two people, faced with a pregnancy make two different decisions.  One turns away and goes back to his life.  The other faces 9 months of carrying the weight of the baby, and a lifetime of carrying the weight of heartache.  Choosing what was best for the baby at the expense of her heart and herself, was a gift that only God can repay.  My future in the hands of a social worker may seem very uncertain.

"But God..."

God knew all this, and none of it took Him by surprise.

When others were making a list of options regarding my life, God was there writing out the ultimate list.  The creator of DNA, the One who wrote out the story from the beginning, organized every step of this life I live.  Where we see chaos, He makes order.

That chaos on my dining room table has finally shifted into organized piles.  After digging up all the papers of the past and laying them out before The Lord, He showed me how to order them all.  Yesterday, I came home from work, walked into the dining room, and within a short time, I had arranged orderly piles.  A few days ago, I wasn't able to do that, and then suddenly the order made sense.

Just that easy.

You know why?  Because Jesus makes it all make sense.

In time, everything that you and I lay out before Him, He will show us how to put it all together.  He is the Master after all.  He's been organizing us even before He strung our DNA together.  His plans and order many times don't make sense to us, but He never makes mistakes.

Never.

As I drove back home, I was both happy and sad.  I had spent an incredible day with my birthfather in the same city where my birthmother lived.  My heart was still hanging on to her even though it appeared that God had taken her out of my life.

There was still chaos.  He would soon make order.

Before that day came though, God had plans to add another unexpected character.  She wasn't supposed to be in this story at all.

"But, God..."

By the way, in case you are wondering, we never ate our tomato sandwiches. I didn't eat a thing that day.  I couldn't.  I didn't need to.  God had given me a plate piled high with joy and my heart was full.

NEW

"You EAT what you KNOW until you taste something NEW."

The family was gathered up at the bar in the kitchen inhaling, I mean enjoying, sloppy joes.  I had been chopping and sauteing for an hour to get my concoction just right.  My efforts were paying off as I stood back and watched their expressions.

Dinner was good.

As the compliments came, I commented that my dish was loaded with fresh veggies and that element combined with the sauteing made all the difference.

My middle child says..."there's veggies in here???"

LOL. Ummm...yes.   There are real live veggies in there.

We all had a chuckle, and I made an offhand remark that these sloppy joes weren't from a can.  Pre made foods of any sort are considered a slur in my kitchen. I like to cook from scratch.  You can make anything if you have onions and garlic.  They are the foods of heaven.

The hubs tells the kids that the only sloppy joes he'd ever had growing up we're from a can.  (For the record, his mom is THE most incredible cook!  Her biscuits are indescribable and her Sweet Cream cake is all kinds of worth going into a sugar coma.)

"Ewww... disgusting!", the kids all agreed.  As they were feigning shock and culinary superiority over my husband's challenging upbringing regarding sloppy joes, (while knowing full well that Nana's table is one of their favorite places in all the world to eat)....I made another quick comment.

"You EAT what you KNOW until you taste something NEW."

The words had slipped out so easily that the spiritual meaning appeared with a delay.  I knew as soon as I said it that I must write it down.

"You EAT what you KNOW until you taste something NEW."

Hmmm...

I took in the words as I wrote them on a sticky note (which is my favorite way to keep up with ideas).

In my spiritual life, God had been doing some new things.  He'd been showing me in fresh new ways to take in the Words from His book.  The Lord and I had been digging deep, and I was getting spiritual food lately that I have never tasted before.  It was new and it was good.

That phrase sparked more new spiritual food as the Holy Spirit guided me to study several chapters in Exodus.

Moses was leading the Israelites out of the slavery in Egypt. They had walked through a miracle in the parting of the Red Sea, but now they were in the Desert of Shur. (ch.15)  They had seen mighty moves of God, and yet the hunger and thirst of their physical bodies began to move them to take their eyes off Him.  They started to grumble.  So they get to Marah, the water is bitter, God does another miracle and satisfies their thirst.

I used to read this and say...dang, people.  You walked through walls of water in the Red Sea and you are still complaining?!?!

Used to...  The truth is I can't go a day without coffee.  I wouldn't have lasted a minute thirsty in a hot, arid desert.  I would've been one of the loudest fussers of the group.

Thirst is tough.

Now it has been 15 days since they came out of Egypt, Ex. 16, and real, body wracking hunger has kicked in.  Adrenaline from fleeing may have waned a bit, and now the hunger pains turned up the volume.  As we say in the south, they got hongry!

The grumbling fires up again.  They were so hungry that scripture says in verse 3 that they said they'd rather go back to full stomachs in slavery than starve to death in freedom.  No one I know has ever been that hungry.

Moses, God's man on the scene, does what he always did and cries out to The Lord, and The Lord feeds them.

4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.

5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."

6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt,

7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?"

8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."

9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "

10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.

11 The LORD said to Moses,

12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "

13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp.

14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor.

15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat.

To summarize the passage above, this is what I see happened.  The Israelites were on this incredible journey of deliverance from their past of slavery.  God was leading them every step through Moses.  They had seen miracles, but they were still humans.  (hope for us all right there)  They fussed and took their eyes off of God.  (more hope) Moses continued to set the example before them of keeping your eyes on God, and God provided a table for them in the desert.

Now, the part that God revealed to me a few weeks ago focuses on the food He provided.

He sent quail to down from the sky and it "covered the camp" in the evening.  He gave them meat.  When you are hungry, physically hungry, meat would be enough to satisfy.

But God is more than enough.  He gave them a meat that they would know, and He met their physical hunger, but He gave them something else, too.

He created a NEW food.

When they woke up that next morning, a dew was on the ground.  As the heat grew in this desert place and the dew vanished, "thin flakes like frost" were left.  It was so NEW to them that they had to ask..."What is it?"
  

Moses tells them The Lord has given them bread.

The Bread of Life has given them bread.

I have to put v. 12 here a second time.

"At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God."

God told Moses to tell them they would get bellies full of meat at night, but in the morning???  In the morning, I am going to do something NEW.  I am going to FILL you with bread.  And then???  Then "you will KNOW that I Am the LORD."

Oh me... I could just have a hallelujah fit right here now.

He was saying this I think. You have been eating what you know and it is good to satisfy your needs where you are now.  But... I am taking you somewhere NEW and that NEW place in your journey is going to require some NEW food.

Glory.

"You EAT what you KNOW until you taste something NEW."

When they tasted these dew producing flakes  on the floor of the desert, they called it "manna".

16:31b."It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey."

My notes down in the commentary of my NIV bible say this... "No naturally occurring substance fits all the data of the text, and several factors suggest that manna was in fact the LORD's unique provision for His people in the desert.  The meaning of the Hebrew word for "manna" suggests that it was something unknown by the people at that time."

Yes, Lord.

A NEW food had appeared on the floor of the desert.

When they were empty, He had provided.

Now if they had refused to eat it because they had never seen it before or it wasn't part of their plan, they would've most likely had their hunger need met but not their soul's need.

When I left off in Light in the Darkness, my husband was on his way to meet my birthfather.  I had enough sense to know that I was still too raw emotionally to judge whether or not this man was someone I wanted in my life.  My husband is the one I trust to protect me like that so he went to my birthfather's door.

The house was brick with reddish type trim.  My birthfather was living there alone so my hubby's visit was a welcome event.  Inside the house, my husband came face to face with a man his same height who had 20 years worth of long hair, and green eyes. The air was heavy with smoke and questions.

Over the 48 hours or so since I had spoken with my birthfather, hope had begin to grow in him.

While shocked of course, he was beginning to hope that this girl who called was really his daughter.  I'd come to know his heart later on and like him, I get drawn in quickly.

Their visit was a good one.  Two grown men were sizing up the other trying get answers to questions and make sense of the situation.  I know my hubby wanted to make sure he wasn't some nut that would put me in danger. Once they both felt satisfied to some degree, they ended their meeting.

Again, another long phone call took place between the hubs and me.  He gave me his assessment of this stranger who was my birthfather.  I don't remember exactly what he said, and after all this time, neither does he.  I may have some notes somewhere, but I can't put my finger on them today. What I do remember from his summary was how sad his life sounded to me.  He didn't try to make it sound that way.  It was just the facts of his life.

Here I was living life with a beautiful family of my own.  I have a sister and her family.  I have my parents and their families full of aunts and uncles and cousins galore.  My life was full of loved ones.  The opposite was true for this man.  He never had a brother or sister.  His relationship with his dad was not a script from the Hallmark channel.  He was very close to his mom, but the physical ailments they both suffered prevented them from staying close.  He was being cared for by an ex-wife who wasn't really happy that I showed up on the scene.  He had one other friend who lived in a another town that came to visit occasionally, but mostly he just sat alone in his house.

Can you imagine that?

Day after day after day??  You are stranded all alone in your house.  You can't drive so you can't leave.  You can barely see, so you can't go for a walk.  No way out without help.

Now I am one of those types who cannot take the suffering of the discarded or mistreated or empty.  Can. not. take. it.  And I can't take hungry children either.  I don't care much about the why or if they deserve it...  I know there are all kinds of circumstances and situations, but a lonely, empty, blind man with really nobody to be IN his life to love on him?

Ummm, no...

And when you factor in that he is MY birthfather????

My flesh and blood?
My family?????
My heart could not take it.

Of course I wanted to hear all his stories and know who he was then and who was in the now, but as far as deciding whether or not he deserved to be in my life because I hadn't plannned for him???  No.

All those plans flew right off the table once his current sitatuation became clear.

I knew this was God.

Scriptures say that God told the Israelites that when they ate the bread that He would rain down from Heaven that they would "KNOW I Am the LORD."

He was telling that them something NEW was about to happen and there would be NO OTHER explanation.

Only God could send a new food down in a new form and they would have to ask..."What is it?"

Only God does stuff like that.

So this new person who had come into my life was someone that I didn't ask for, but God put him in.

As I prayed and questioned the next events, I would ask God, "What is going on? What are You doing here?"  I knew there were not good feelings between my birthmother and my birthfather.  I am thinking, "Whoa, God, what are trying to do here?  I do not want to be a part of what happened between them. That has nothing to do with me.  I just want to know them.  And God, won't bringing him in wreck what I had going with her? Yes, I know that is over God, but still... What are You doing? This makes no sense God.  This is NEW!!! I don't understand, God."

Like the Israelites, God sent a new thing in but He himself didn't give it a specific name other than bread.  They named it themselves.  The only direction He gave them was the same one He gave me...

He was telling me to trust Him.

He was saying to trust Him through the gift of the new food in their lives and the new person in mine.

And He did these new things so that neither they nor I could take any credit for what was happening.

I didn't fully understand why He brought my birthfather in until one year later.

During that year, God gave me glimpses of His plan, but not the full scope.  For the present moment, all I could know about this new man was that he existed, he had a name, and he was a new path for me to follow.  The door had closed with my birthmother so I was able to give him my full attention.

So, I did.

Later on in the week, the hubs went back to the little brick house, to deliver a few pictures to my birthfather.  Of course he wanted to see me.  He could get glimpses of images if he focused intently and moved his eyes back and forth side to side.  He told me later that I would literally be one of the last things he would see on this earth.

*tears*  

Okay...I'm back...

Pictures in his hand, focusing hard, he could see me for the first time.  When he saw me, he saw himself.  He looked into the paper eyes of a stranger and he knew it was true.

He knew.

There's one more thing that you need to know about this visit before I wind up this post.  When my birthfather greeted my husband on their 2nd visit, he wasn't the same.

The old, scraggly hair and unkempt appearance from days prior had vanished.  He had arranged to be taken to a barber shop and he got cleaned up.  Twenty years of hair...gone.  Fresh and cleaned up, in pressed nice attire, he looked like a new man.

Oh, Jesus... *tears again***

You see???

God had done something NEW in his life too!

He had a life that was empty, and now it was full.

He hadn't even laid eyes on me yet, he had only heard my voice, but he knew his life had changed.

New...

I praise You Lord for allowing me to go back and find my birthfamily! I am so thankful that I didn't turn away from the NEW.  Although it was new to me, it wasn't new to God.  This man was just another piece of my journey along the path where God was taking me.  This plan God designed for me has been in place since the foundation of the world.  This new piece was a part of the purpose He has assigned to my life.  It was His plan that I talk to and meet and invite in and accept this man.

It wasn't and isn't ever my job to evaluate and decide whether or not he was worthy.  My job was to take in what was new, and let God fill my life the way He chose.

If I had kept refused to accept this new thing, I would have missed the blessing of the next thing.

God placed this man in my life at just the right time.

When I was broken and empty, He provided a new thing.  Because it wasn't my thing, He gets the Glory.
  

If God brings something new into your life, be careful not to discard it because it you don't recognize it.

If the Israelites had only eaten the meat of the quail that they did recognize, they would have missed the bread that they didn't recognize.

When they asked Moses, "What is it?" in verses 15-16, he replied by telling them for each one to "gather as MUCH as he needs."

Oh, glory...

When God provides, He supplies as much as you NEED.

I can hardly contain myself right now.  Oh, Jesus to trust You MORE!

He gave them a new thing in the middle of a desert place and said take all you need.  He fed their stomachs and satisfied their souls in a new way so that only He would get the glory and they would KNOW that He was God.

Friend, the love and mercy and grace of God never runs out.

For His Children, He has plans designed that will bring new things into your life.  In Him, there will always be abundant provisions no matter where you are.  When you are empty, look to Him to fill you and trust Him to do it His way.

In the next post I will begin to tell about my birthfather, and I can't wait to see what God will have me write.  Until then, I have a challenge for you.

Today, this week, wherever you are at this point in your life... Keep your eyes open...God is doing something new in you.  Look for it...I dare you.  :)